i coulda sworn i vowed to never go back to doin what im doin right now.






still love home tho <3

im sick of being sick. i need mucinex. and my throat is killing me.


and why have i still been unable to adjust to this time difference bullshit? i cant fall asleep at all before 3 am and even then its with the aid of nighttime cold meds. and i dont wake up until atleast 130 in the afternoon.



UGH.


and its a blizzard outside.

And the bottom line is, what defines you isn't how many times you crash, but the number of times you get back on the bike. As long as it's one more, you're all good.

im going to stay in bed all day. and watch movies.
and be lazy.

and sleep.

Trouble travels fast
When you’re specially designed for crash testing
Or wearing wool sunglasses in the afternoon
Come on and tell us what you’re trying to prove

Because it’s a battle when you dabble in war
You store it up, unleash it, then you piece it together
Whether the storm drain running rampant just stamp it
And send it to somebody who’s pretending to care

Just cash in your blanks for little toy tanks
Learn how to use them, then abuse them and choose them
Over conversations relationships are overrated
“I hated everyone” said the sun

And so I will cook all your books
You’re too good looking and mistooken
You could watch it instead
From the comfort of your burning beds
…Or you can sleep through the static

if for some reason i ever die by way of jumping out of something i want my tomb stone to read this : "basically what we have here is a dreamer. someone out of touch with reality. when she jumped, she probably thought she'd fly."

slipping.

“ It was a marvelous night, the sort of night one only experiences when one is young. The sky was so bright, and there were so many stars that, gazing upward, one couldn’t help wondering how so many whimsical, wicked people could live under such a sky."
— Fyodor Dostoevsky

cant wait to ride with critical mass on friday.

someone fuxked up our toilet and all i know is that it wasnt me. but they arent going to fix it, rather just leave it broken.


im beginning to wonder where everyone has been going to the bathroom the past few days.

hoes

heading out to san jose for the night with clare and moora.


be back tomorrowz!











i got my stunna shades on, i'm cooler than that guy.

gonnnnne

if only

ooooh

Ari Bak-oops comes back tomorrow!

i am you as you are me and we are one. back in action.

today i went to see thee oh sees with clare peter and alex.

while sitting in delores park a man walked up to us and said, "do you smoke crack?" and we said no. he then pointed at me and said "how much for this one?"





the boys are hosting beer pong tonight.
i walked in with carlos and graham looked at me and, after expressing his excitement about the pong as well as carlos, said "courtney, can he please stay? please?"

so cute. graham is a softy.


going to the boys house now. my pupster is still there.

crushed bones.

Here's
To inhaling crushed bones
through a dried up
white out pen
and riding the backwards racer
in hot June rain
in a matching blue and gold
plastic bag / poncho / raincoat.

It's a wooden coaster
with a medium hill height mean,
high hill to flat ground ratio
you know I'd sell my shingles
for a thimble dip of snow.
Back then I'd've sold my single
for a fingertip of glow.

And us in navy blue hoodies
and khakis, as was the style that year.

In London,
where the sirens yelp
like a helpless dog
with its paw stepped on,
and the rain comes down in late July
and the record labels call you Why?
and your eyes are slits in bags of fat
and your eyes are piss holes in the snow

I swear,
The riders on the tube
tie razors to their elbows,
The riders on the tube
keep cold coal in their billfolds,
The riders on the tube
will hide cocaine in their shell toes,
and yes yes yes man
they'll novocaine their hello's
Till the constables got pit bulls
with their paw bones all stepped on
Till the constables got pit bulls
With crushed bones up their nose holes

And us in fish net hat
and canvas shoes, as was the style that year


-------

SO GOOD. i love this song.

ira.

there is a young ira glass sleeping on my floor..or couch? right now.


fucking hot.
im infatuated.

maybe a little more facial hair. but its all good.



i think i left my camera at max & grahams.

beer pong & flip cup.

fixies.

last night = stress city.


horrible combination of certain people. uninvited. drama. moms. awkward situations left & right. sleep deprivation.

oh and then me and max had the great idea of going for a ride to get donuts at like midnight. took justin with us. got pulled over. bike attempted to murder me. bike then refused to work. had to carry it all the way back.

and then today i woke up with a ridiculous amount of bruises. i think i have an iron deficiency or something. i know i bruise easily this is really ridiculous.

tonight was stressful too.

i really want to sleep but im not tired.

carlos wont stop trying to play. thanks max.

i still love quotes.

me and jess used to spend hours looking up quotes and sending them to each other. i've always loved quotes on photos. and funny things.

ramblings

You can't feel emotion if you haven't died thoroughly, if the bloodstains don't represent a lifeline of failures scattered in your pocket. They would tell you to keep on moving until you get through, but they don't understand. Hope is an empty well in the middle of a desert and all the positive thoughts in the world won't fill it up. Look right and left and right and left when you cross roads, but whether you go or stop still in the middle of the road with heavy traffic behind you can only be your choice.

Don't fall behind - release the clutch and crush the gas, the only way out is forward.

Dead-ends and philosophy can't match moments to realism and people don't stop on sidewalks to define life. Everything is a catastrophe, a puzzle to fix and all we can do is look for reasons to avoid them. The same cliché phrases and the most outdated greetings are not familiar - they sting nerves and and plaster love in the first layer, but like when pressed wood meets water, it all cracks and deteriorates until nothing is left but the ugly core.

They say it has to get worse before it gets better, but you're glued to the storms and lugging bricks to build walls around you. Creating loneliness is easy; a simple subtraction - but detachment is an equation that runs off the edge of the page like a song that has no ending. Claustrophobia is not a good enough excuse.

The cold air is coming and you're not ready. You can't change colors; you can't adapt or improvise out of an empty stage. The audience doesn't decrease - it doubles and multiplies. Stop racing across crooked roads when there's nothing to run from except yourself.

And that's all you really have.

current love interest.

melvil poupaud.



he is SO fine.

and foreign.

and sexy.

muscle pains

went and rode with critical mass yesterday.
so sore.
so fun.

cant wait til next month.



going to a brew fest or something with lindsay tonight.



i love my bike. the end.

computer labs

i like how in the summer, Lab B turns into a gaming room. where everyone just sits online and plays games.

hot boys.





Gaylords is hiring. I'm applying.

AND i got my bike. Squid <3

carlos is going absolutely fucking insane right now. its 213 am and i just want to go to sleep.

i tried the trick where you pull up the blanket and he snuggles in all cute and soft and warm. no. the fucker starts biting my feet. not nibbling. or softly chewing. NO. my feet were getting fucking MAULED. so i stood up and the crazy ass dog starts running around in circles. growling and trying to bite my legs.

um, help?


..
im also very tired.


..
the dog is locked outside of the room. now lindsay can deal with him.




i think my foot is bleeding.

hi, im famous.

last night went to a party with bri james christine and l.a.

upon entering, i was introduced..
bri: "hey griffin! this is fatty! from california"
griffin: "oh my god! the famous one!"
me: "...uh"
griffin: "your the one that everybody likes! im so glad your here!"




really awkward. so then me and james just had a running joke all night about me being famous and how i now have to introduce myself by saying .. "hi, i'm famous."


i also got extremely high and said i would marry and asian chick if she could make me homemade crab rangoons everyday. so i could just be like "honey! where my goons at?!"

last night.

last night was tims 21s bday party.

me and carm showed up expecting to leave after 20 minutes but it was actually good because people there included: matt, feet, jeffy, jrob, von, dumas, pizzle, cam, cory, bri, james, and many others. i didnt think i would see half those people ever again.

me and matt ruled the pong table.

we smoked mad blunts yo! but i didnt get high because the buds here are pretty shitty right now. except the shit i got bri, thats fire.

bogs oclock was needed. so me james and bri went on a hunt. we found the bogs, and the mcdonalds. then decided we didnt want to be at the party anymore so we went back for our shit and said our goodbyes.

rather than going home we drove around looking for lawn ornaments we could steal. we got two glass globes, two gnomes, a buddha, and two tea pots complete with live plants.

i have one gnome and bri has the other.

so great its indescribable.

then i came home and downloaded ridiculous amounts of music because i can!!!

i have only found ONE electrical outlet in this goddamn airport. and i feel like im sitting in something resembling the stench of cat piss.


fuck this. i just want to go home already goddammit.

who do you like more?

max and graham are trying to make me pick favorites.

peace blunts

for those who can decipher my messages -

i have fixed the kapoops / cracka conflict.

we may all rest in peace now that a peace blunt has been smoked.

holla.

Simian Mobile Disco - Audacity of Huge from ISO FILMS on Vimeo.

HOME.

this time tomorrow i will be on a plane half way to massachusetts. my excitement level is through the ROOF.

i cant even sleep in the past few days im so excited.


and i talked to maura today on skype and shes going to try to take a bus/train to mass while im there!!! ah i want to see that little munchkin so bad! haha.


everyone from home has been texting and calling me the past two days anticipating my arrival. its strange. usually moving away makes people lose contact but ive kept in touch with everyone. even people, such as gus, who i havent talked to or seen in years wants to see me. :0 happy days.

new blog

me and max have started a blog - boringtitle.blogspot.com


shits ill.

da fourth

"i just feel like i'm in a giant bowl of rice crispies!"

- me on the fourth of july after many a bowlage.

excitement to the max

i havent been home since december. and i'm absolutely fucking ecstatic about going home in two days. to my little people. and my matt and briana. and nora. and john. and carm. and kat. and mom. and pat. and bman. and NIKE.



and hopefully maura is coming to visit. and i get to see ari. and then the social ills can once again wreak havoc on society. with our meese and what not.

thus far.

so far today has consisted of many a 40 oz. weed. emily. faye. max. lindsay. sam. drej. carlos. the ramones. the pixies. and the simpsons.


later today will consist of the murmur and watching a movie. what movie? i dont know. i dont know what movie i want to watch. i'll pick something. and it will be good. and i'll have seen it before. because i like watching movies i've seen before and not movies i havent seen yet.

carlos is really hungry and keeps trying to eat the trash. but he has dog food. carlos also just embarrassed me in the dog community. he just peed on himself in front of the most beautiful pitbull. she was really sweet.



ok back to my non existent life to do all the things i need to do. which actually consists of quite a bit.

:) not sleeping in my bed tonight.

facebook post on my wall: (after a bunch of other rambling before this)...

"AHHH how'd i get down here. this si so useless. ull still like it. i know how u roll with the dogs in the ocean, finding lost pirate goodies and rididng sharks into the sunset.

you little sneaky devil"

i love briana marie reilly :) <3 cant wait to see her in four days.

blue birds.

my favorite bird is the blue bird.

my favorite song has the line "somewhere over the rainbow where blue birds fly"

my favorite color is blue.

my favorite shoes are blue.



i dont know where im going with this. but im happy. happy happy happy.


:) somewhere over the rainbow.

baby bird.

hung out with sam all day. phone went like this "hey girl i get out of work at 3. want to kick it after" "oh hey sam..uh, yeah you should come see the apt" "for sure for sure yeah girl i'll call you at three. ok for sure. talk to you soon"

had intellectual conversations. it was fun.
smoked alot. lindsay. drej. went to drej's. chilled for a bit. discussed the murmur and why one should not partake in such a thing. but i'm going tomorrow because summer murmur is actually fun. he picked me a humming bird nest =). decided not to stay two nights in a row despite what i really wanted to do and what he really wanted me to do.


nono.

tomorrow's agenda: albany bulb, murmur. woo.


=) i like life.



i kind of feel like this.

content.

im really content right now. and happy.


excited to go home in 5 days.

soapsoap

the fucking soap queen just waltzed in the door...YIPPEEE. her mere presence makes my blood sizzle. i just want to punch her in the face repeatedly. ive never really liked her, but shes been disrespectful to people who matter to me, so although shes never directly insulted or disrespected me, shes done enough.


it just keeps getting worse lately and its starting to bother me. i've been able to deal with my anger issues for the past few years but something about her irks me and i feel like if she continues coming here, someday soon im just going to go fucking haywire and really loose it, my wrath being directed towards the queen herself.

it worries me. i feel myself slipping.

worried im going to start getting angry again. saying mean things and being violent.

the alamo.

tomorrow, me and clare are going to get up early(ish) and hit up the bank, and then we shall venture under the sea and emerge here:

except it will look more like:


and i will not make faces like this:


for obvious reasons.


i want to bring carlos but i dont want to deal with the hassle of restraining him from the other pooches.

i am prepared to get sunburnt.

j-call.

convos

whaat

ok.

boys will be boys

watching max and dallin play n64 together is cute. boys never grow up.

ftw

fishing. fire. hurricanes. smile always. never drive. kick it. and failing. AP. libraries. maine. pain. no shoes no shirt no problem. original fml's. promises. belts. and no drugs. ohmatomahall. ice cream. suspension. swelling. and tight pants. vans. cap'n crunch. beach house. sleeping. never waking. change. family. seal cove. the loot. stripers for dinner. always.



r.i.p. Mohammed
6.27.2009

i miss the hot muggy summer days when we would go skating in eastern massachusetts. driving around, with no money. and you would steal us sodas, but you called then "pop" like an old man. and when you would get caught we would giggle and drive away as fast as possible. who steals cans of soda anyways.

homehomehome

i cannot wait to get home in a week and two days.

can

not

wait.

massachusetts has never been so appealing.

people i have time for include matt nora bri james john carm bryan dan feet jeffy and my family.
oh and hopefully crazy kait. because i hear she needs to be re-crazied.

also

also, today carlos ate lindsays homework.


i didnt and still dont feel bad though. because hes a puppy and will eat things. also because before we left i told her to move anything in reach of the dog she didnt want eaten since we would be gone literally all day. also she should keep her fucking door shut since her room is so goddamn messy its practically spilling into my own and is just asking for a dog to come eat her shit.

i only feel bad when carlos eats other peoples things. because they dont deserve it. luckily he dislikes my own things though. or maybe im just better at keeping them out of his reach.

pride

yesterday went to delores. the contents of my stomach included: amazing coffee, an entire 40oz of malt liquor, vegan ganja cookies, mcdonalds, tootsie rolls, an entire pack of cigarettes.

it was the trans march.

me max and sarah had tickets to go see a design movie at the yerba buena gardens. we're clearly retarded because we couldnt find the door to get in. so instead we came back.



today is pride. going to the city with alex, clare, peter, and lindsay.


with devins playlist since hes not here! boo.

mission delores.

today i will venture to delores park. and drink a 40 in the sun.

basics.

going back to gilad for some 'lite' inspiration.

besties.

truth.

tea

"do you need some tea"
"i need some tea"

funnies.

got "loise".
ate dinner.
kinda drunk.
bonded with alex.
got the dirt on cca upperclass-mem.

playing truth or dare.
clare did a "body roll"
cole doing a sexy dance..."you must take off your shirt"

"how do you dance sexy...i cant do sexy"..."just dance sexy...and you have to take off your shirt. you have to do it"


funniest shit of my life.

my dear friend betty.

soon to be in my stomach. yummmmmm.

emails.

got an email from some random lady today.

knows my pops/aunt.

talked to my dad for the first time in months <3

fuckOFF

i have the urge to punch you in the face repeatedly right now...do not "bye court!" me.


fuck you.

break

"hey lindsay do you still have my phone charger?"
"yeah. in my purse"
...i look through her purse
"uh. i dont see it in your purse. its not in here"
"oh"
"where would it be then?"
"i dont know"
"well your the one that had it, where did you put it?"
"i dont know"
"...well where else would it be besides your purse"
"its your charger. you find it" *goes back to playing video games*


my phones dead. and i cant find the charger.



doggy park drama of the day:
1. womans dog escaped. not to be seen again.
2. dog wants to establish dominance so must wear muzzle.
3. little girl got knocked over by dog (her fualt, she put the leash on her dog after her mom told her not to)
4. old woman gets bitten by puppy. bleeding hand
5. same old womans dog is brutally attacked by other dog. bleeding as well.
6. mysterious ground shaking, people swear its not earthquakes. i'm not convinced.

on the bright side though i met a really nice music teacher named heather. on the not so bright side, her elderly dog was attacked by 3 pitt-bulls a few months ago, almost died, and is now scared of all dogs.

peace fernley

peace out fernley!!!!



be home in approximately 3 and a half hours! <3

not.

could be home in before dark.

but i wont be.


fuck this. i want my bed. my dog. my room.

why not waste and extra 12 or 15 hours of my life?


uhodfhgofhgourhgosdhfuhf!!

Boulder.

Got to Boulder on Saturday.

Pretty good time so far.
Lots of thunderstorms and a really great dog named Harley.

Friends are cool. especially sam.

smoke alot of weed.
get really high. alot.

currently sitting at house alone.
in a room that smells like cat pee.

heading towards utah on thursday. then its out to yosemite.
and then oakland.

see ya soon.

gahh.

walked all the way to school with carlos to meet up with max who was going to keep me company while i waited around for howard between 12 and 230 because thats when he said he would meet me. told me to call him at 2 if i hadnt heard from him. so i did. he was busy so he said hed just call later and come by the apartment to pick shit up.

so basically i just walked for 40 minutes to school and then sat there for 2 and a half hours waiting for absolutely nothing. when i could have been home getting some sleep or packing and cleaning.

whatever though hanging out with max was fun so it wasnt really a waste. but i also could have done that at my house and then i would have had everything done by now.

been hanging out with max alot lately.

hes coming over after hes done cleaning to chill some more before i leave tomorrow.



fucking weird. if you asked me a month ago if anyone would actually see that fool this summer i would have put money down that he would be elusive and off with his photo lab crew. i'm not complaining though, max is basically my brother and i love him. even if he is a dog. haha.






I've been talking to bri for the last 3 hours and it makes me realize how much i miss home. how much i need home. but really how much home needs me. she basically told me that everyones counting on me as the last hope for matt. she's has tried to talk to him but he doesnt care what she has to say. she doesnt even consider calling him to hang out anymore. he completely cut off nora. he doesnt care that nicole has a new boyfriend and never returns her calls. and he has changed feet so much that feet isnt even feet anymore. lilly and the old crew are back around which worries me. they are no good. fuckers ruined an entire year of his life and subsequently got me into shit i never want to get into again. i know they are still doing it. those kind of junkies never change. and if matts only hanging around with them that means hes doing it too. i'm going to need to go home and smack some sense into that kid...possibly needing to literally smack him. I dont even understand how he could go back to that after he saw what it did to me, to him, and to our families and real friends.

bri said he's depressed with me gone, that hes "lost without me". he refuses to listen to any cd in his car that belongs to me, wont listen to any of "our" songs no matter what the situation because he says it hurts him too much. and he goes into bitch matt mode whenever i'm brought up. he doesnt go to the dingle anymore. and rarely visits the tressel. he wont talk to her about anything besides weed, his music, and lillys posse.

i dont know what the fuck to do. matt means more to me than most of my family and i want nothing but the best for him but i cant just drop my life because he cant function without me there. if i ever moved back to springfield i would work at a gas station for the rest of my life and would never have the opportunity to better myself in any way. i worked too hard to get away from there to ever go back.

i spent every single day with the kid between 4th grade until the minute i walked into the airport. we've always just been considered one person, not two. its not matt or courtney, its matt&fatty. we've each been through alot of rough shit but we always got through it because the other one was right there. if i needed a punching bag to get out my anger, he would brace himself and let me hit him as hard as i could. he dealt with all my bullshit and the fact that i wouldn't remember punching him 20 seconds earlier for accidentally dropping something of mine or spilling something on my shoes.

whenever he got so drunk that he passed out i would be the one carrying him to the car and getting him home and when he needed his stomach pumped i sobered up faster than i thought humanly possible and got him to the hospital and stayed there until he could leave. everytime he picked a fight he couldnt win he knew i was there to back him up. i was always standing right next to him re-assuring him that he could do it, whatever it was. even if it meant that i had to do it with him, like paying to go to driving school a month before i turned 18 and could have just taken the test. or like the last time he was hanging out with that crowd. the only way i got him out of it was by becoming part of it and getting in just as deep as he was. and then coming out together.

so i guess i can understand why hes having a hard time. but if i can do it so can he. he didnt leave every one and every thing he knows behind and start a completely new life. he still has so many people who care so much about him and he just doesnt care. part of me wants to go back there right now and take him far far away from those people. and the other half of me is telling me hes not my responsibility. hes almost 19. he needs to start taking care of himself and to stop relying on me to come rushing in whenever he waves his surrender flags because hes gotten himself in too deep. I cant continue coming in and picking up the pieces of his life and then putting them back together nice and neatly like i do with my puzzles.

My trips home are supposed to be vacations. its supposed to be fun. im supposed to go home and everything be dandy and all my friends get along and be healthy and happy and fun. it shouldn't be a fucking rescue mission. why cant everyone just get along? bri and nora are fighting over who gets to pick me up at the airport.



whatever. this just got really long without me meaning for it to. i'll deal with it in july when i get there.

packing

Agenda for today:

Shower
Pack
Go to school
Print shit
Maybe work on some videos?
Get everything in order
Clean
SLEEP

Boulder in the AM! holler.

lights!

pretty pleased with the photos i took tonight.
the dungeon has great lighting. and backdrop.

remember

whilst making a playlist for the long drive from boulder to oakland i remembered the time that devin came into clare & my room with his flash drive and put a folder on each of our desktops titled "songs i think clare will like" and "songs i think courtney will like"

that was sweet.

i like making playlists for people too.

the bars.

its playing again.

nearing the 400 mark.

brutally beautiful.

Maura!

Maura just drunk called me.

"my guinea pig died last week"
"oh my god maura im so sorry"
"no its ok. he had a really good life"
"thats good then. did you bury him"
"well hes actually in the freezer right now"




i miss her. and i know everyone else in the house does too. she was the first person I met at CCA besides Clare. and from the first time we hung out we decided we were going to live together because we were both so far from home and needed a home in california. we decided to make it together. and we did. we made ourselves the best home..filled with people who we all love and get along with great. and in Dallin's note he left us this morning he said how glad he is to be living with us and thats its the best situation he could imagine. its true.


no one ever calls me anymore and when they do its for insignificant things like finding them a job, or because they locked themselves out. or its someone i dont really want to talk to and i sigh before answering the phone.
when i saw it was her name i got so excited and practically squealed in excitement.


Maura is the most sincere, caring, innocent person I know.
I hope she stays that way forever <3

stress.

Last night clare and I rode to henrys. it was interesting.

then clare shaved her head. and it was great.

Today we woke up early and headed into the city, dog in tow. I'm really glad we got him the harness because hes so much easier to walk and actually sort of listens too. We got to delores and it was fine.
It was fine until other dogs showed up. Then carlos went bat-shit insane and wouldnt stop barking.
I normally wouldnt care except for that everyones dogs are so well behaved, and well, its kind of embarassing wrestling with a 7 month old puppy, yelling "carlos stop!" "carlos chill!" "carlos its ok".
Clare went and bought us snacks and i drank a delicious root beer that was fair-trade certified. I used to sell that stuff.
After briefly munching on some salt & pepper chips we were too stressed out to sit and fight with the dog for any longer so decided to walk through the neighborhood and eventually head to the Revolution Cafe.
On our way we walked past the street. My favorite street! Because last time we went to delores we happened upon this street that was just so out of place and semi-majestic that it became my favorite street. I didn't think it would be as great this time, I figured they would have finished construction and all would be back to normal. But it wasn't. I was delighted and pulled out my camera for a few quick shots.
Then we went to the cafe and grabbed a coffee to go, and continued walking through the back streets. We walked past 667shotwell and oogled at the man who was not there, but the memory is fresh and so i can still oogle at said man in my memory! wow. im a creep. (but its ok because you are too ari!)
Then we headed back to bart. on the way that dood rode by. and then texted me. but didnt stop to say hello.
oh well.
got on bart. lots of teens wearing green shirts.
carlos was so worn out that he literally passed out in my arms.

Pictures will come soon.
I'm going to go try to buy cigarettes.


Oh and okkervil river is on continuous replay for the time being.
i dont know why i never really got into them before.

dog days.

possible names for summer:
dog days summer 09
Summer of Carlos 09

my favorite:

Rodneys on Duty 09



its sad that the highlight of my day is getting a harness for the dog.

dog parks of the bay beware!

unload.

And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side




a strange last few days. strange strange. but really great nonetheless.
I;m going to eat some easy mac.

goddamn drejmon with the weed cookies.

i'm listening to nas.
bitchessss.

shit. currently.

tonight i realized that the Murmur is actually much more enjoyable and fun in the summer.
even if the art still sucks.
and so do the people.


"get some gears you queers" . that was funny.

today was an exceptionally active day.
i've realized i can no longer eat as much as i used to be able to.
or should be able to.

gave a tour of the campus.
to a cute boy.
who is a librarian.
who i then hung out with.
and hope to more in the future.
even if he is shorter than me.
his name is cute too.


carlos is still suffering from separation anxiety.
but soon he will learn. i hope.

new interests.

hes caught my interest.



:)

its time for a change anyways.

sponts.

Last night was absolutely crazy.

girl puking on everything.
riding across oakland at 3 am.
staying up all night,
kitchen, stool, chair, pot holders, computer, cigarettes.
random videos.
thunder.
intense convos.


it was good,
passed out in my bed at around 4 pm with max. wake up at nine,

going back to sleep soon.

the big black books

"i hate everyone at CCA and their big black books filled with amazing art" - random girl at my house who i do not know but knows me.

"hi i'm (forget her name)"
"hi, im courtney. nice to meet you"
"yeah...i've seen you around"
"..."
"yeah around campus at cca"
"...oh...yeah...uh" ... expression that shows i have no idea who she is.




word.

the wee hours

its almost 11 o'clock and i feel like being productive tonight.
i think i'll stay up and draw.
i've been drawing alot.
strange.

and over and over and over it goes.

I've been sending letters. I've been writing them, dating them, stamping them and sending them off. But you haven't been reading my letters. You haven't been reading the letters I've been sending to you. Don't you like my letters? They have love and longing sewn between every line. My letters are not signed "sincerely" or "cordially", they don't have "thanks" written across the bottom followed by my name. My letters aren't business letters. Or Junk mail. They aren't sepinas for court, or warrants for your arrest. Although you get those kinds of letters don't you? I wonder if you read those letters. The bad letters. But I know you don't read my letters. My letters are signed with I love you's and nicknames. I signed all my letters with the name only you know. You do remember it don't you? Do you still remember the name you used to call me? I hope so. I hope you aren't mistaking my letters for something they are not. I do not write my letters to bash you. My letters have nothing about hate in them. Though I used to send letters like that. My letters have changed. Don't you know that? I wish you would just read my letters. I've been sending letters. I've been writing them, dating them, stamping them and sending them off. I've been sending you letters. I've been sending them to an address you no longer read letters at. You don't open that mailbox anymore and collect your letters. I've been sending my letters to an address that you'll never get your letters from again. You'll never return to that address to collect my letters. But I'll keep sending my letters to you. And I hope you don't get to read them. You promised to never return to that address again. But if you do, know that my letters will be waiting. My letters will always come. You can count on my letters coming. I wish you could read my letters. I wish you had an address to get letters at. I can't address my letters "The Little Blue Sailboat somewhere in between Massachusetts and Key West". The letter delivery man would not get on a boat and chase after you just to deliver my letters. My letters aren't that important. My letter's aren't that important to the mail delivery man. But my letters are that important to me. And I hope my letters are that important to you. Maybe someday you'll have a new place, with a new address. And then you'll have a new mailbox that will collect my letters. And then you will read my letters. Won't you please read my letters? If you could just read one of my letters you wouldn't be on your little blue sailboat. Instead you would be reading my letters, and you'd be writing me letters back. Wouldn't that be great? You could read my letters. And then I could read your letters. And I would always know when you sent me a letter. Because your the only one that would send me letters. And you'll always know when I sent you a letter. Because I'm the only one that did. I'm the only one that still does. And they are still coming. Believe me, my letters are still being sent. They are still going to the address you are not longer at. But I'll keep writing my letters. I promised I'd send you letters. So thats what I'm doing. I'm sending my letters. My letters that you don't read. But if you did you would know that they all start with "Hi Daddy" and they all end with "I'm so glad you don't drink anymore. I love you" and they are signed "I'll always be Daddy's little girl - Silly". And in between they are filled with stories of my life. My letters are filled with memories of us. When you let me skip school so we could watch Monster's Inc. at the Eastfield Mall. And when we took Max to Camp Massasoit and I was scared because there was a no trespassing sign. My letters would make you laugh, just like your letters made me laugh. My letters are like the PostSecret letters in the book you bought me that you couldn't afford. Except I don't want my letters to be secrets. I want my letters to go to you. I want you to read my letters. You would be proud if you could read my letters. My letters. My letters that I've been sending to you. My letters that you haven't been reading. My letters that I'm writing, dating, stamping, and sending off to you at an address where you'll never go to collect my letters.

numba 1

well well we have had our first shooting of the summer!


...shall we get t-shirts that say "i survived the epic shoot out at 63rd & market"


nash better be okay though.
gotta love that gold grilll.

weird.

my mind has things it wants to say.
but i dont know what they are.
so instead i'll leave you with this: