so basically i just walked for 40 minutes to school and then sat there for 2 and a half hours waiting for absolutely nothing. when i could have been home getting some sleep or packing and cleaning.
whatever though hanging out with max was fun so it wasnt really a waste. but i also could have done that at my house and then i would have had everything done by now.
been hanging out with max alot lately.
hes coming over after hes done cleaning to chill some more before i leave tomorrow.
fucking weird. if you asked me a month ago if anyone would actually see that fool this summer i would have put money down that he would be elusive and off with his photo lab crew. i'm not complaining though, max is basically my brother and i love him. even if he is a dog. haha.
I've been talking to bri for the last 3 hours and it makes me realize how much i miss home. how much i need home. but really how much home needs me. she basically told me that everyones counting on me as the last hope for matt. she's has tried to talk to him but he doesnt care what she has to say. she doesnt even consider calling him to hang out anymore. he completely cut off nora. he doesnt care that nicole has a new boyfriend and never returns her calls. and he has changed feet so much that feet isnt even feet anymore. lilly and the old crew are back around which worries me. they are no good. fuckers ruined an entire year of his life and subsequently got me into shit i never want to get into again. i know they are still doing it. those kind of junkies never change. and if matts only hanging around with them that means hes doing it too. i'm going to need to go home and smack some sense into that kid...possibly needing to literally smack him. I dont even understand how he could go back to that after he saw what it did to me, to him, and to our families and real friends.
bri said he's depressed with me gone, that hes "lost without me". he refuses to listen to any cd in his car that belongs to me, wont listen to any of "our" songs no matter what the situation because he says it hurts him too much. and he goes into bitch matt mode whenever i'm brought up. he doesnt go to the dingle anymore. and rarely visits the tressel. he wont talk to her about anything besides weed, his music, and lillys posse.
i dont know what the fuck to do. matt means more to me than most of my family and i want nothing but the best for him but i cant just drop my life because he cant function without me there. if i ever moved back to springfield i would work at a gas station for the rest of my life and would never have the opportunity to better myself in any way. i worked too hard to get away from there to ever go back.
i spent every single day with the kid between 4th grade until the minute i walked into the airport. we've always just been considered one person, not two. its not matt or courtney, its matt&fatty. we've each been through alot of rough shit but we always got through it because the other one was right there. if i needed a punching bag to get out my anger, he would brace himself and let me hit him as hard as i could. he dealt with all my bullshit and the fact that i wouldn't remember punching him 20 seconds earlier for accidentally dropping something of mine or spilling something on my shoes.
whenever he got so drunk that he passed out i would be the one carrying him to the car and getting him home and when he needed his stomach pumped i sobered up faster than i thought humanly possible and got him to the hospital and stayed there until he could leave. everytime he picked a fight he couldnt win he knew i was there to back him up. i was always standing right next to him re-assuring him that he could do it, whatever it was. even if it meant that i had to do it with him, like paying to go to driving school a month before i turned 18 and could have just taken the test. or like the last time he was hanging out with that crowd. the only way i got him out of it was by becoming part of it and getting in just as deep as he was. and then coming out together.
so i guess i can understand why hes having a hard time. but if i can do it so can he. he didnt leave every one and every thing he knows behind and start a completely new life. he still has so many people who care so much about him and he just doesnt care. part of me wants to go back there right now and take him far far away from those people. and the other half of me is telling me hes not my responsibility. hes almost 19. he needs to start taking care of himself and to stop relying on me to come rushing in whenever he waves his surrender flags because hes gotten himself in too deep. I cant continue coming in and picking up the pieces of his life and then putting them back together nice and neatly like i do with my puzzles.
My trips home are supposed to be vacations. its supposed to be fun. im supposed to go home and everything be dandy and all my friends get along and be healthy and happy and fun. it shouldn't be a fucking rescue mission. why cant everyone just get along? bri and nora are fighting over who gets to pick me up at the airport.
whatever. this just got really long without me meaning for it to. i'll deal with it in july when i get there.
