the fucking soap queen just waltzed in the door...YIPPEEE. her mere presence makes my blood sizzle. i just want to punch her in the face repeatedly. ive never really liked her, but shes been disrespectful to people who matter to me, so although shes never directly insulted or disrespected me, shes done enough.
it just keeps getting worse lately and its starting to bother me. i've been able to deal with my anger issues for the past few years but something about her irks me and i feel like if she continues coming here, someday soon im just going to go fucking haywire and really loose it, my wrath being directed towards the queen herself.
it worries me. i feel myself slipping.
worried im going to start getting angry again. saying mean things and being violent.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
the alamo.
tomorrow, me and clare are going to get up early(ish) and hit up the bank, and then we shall venture under the sea and emerge here:
except it will look more like:
and i will not make faces like this:
for obvious reasons.
i want to bring carlos but i dont want to deal with the hassle of restraining him from the other pooches.
i am prepared to get sunburnt.
except it will look more like:
and i will not make faces like this:
for obvious reasons.
i want to bring carlos but i dont want to deal with the hassle of restraining him from the other pooches.
i am prepared to get sunburnt.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
ftw
fishing. fire. hurricanes. smile always. never drive. kick it. and failing. AP. libraries. maine. pain. no shoes no shirt no problem. original fml's. promises. belts. and no drugs. ohmatomahall. ice cream. suspension. swelling. and tight pants. vans. cap'n crunch. beach house. sleeping. never waking. change. family. seal cove. the loot. stripers for dinner. always.
r.i.p. Mohammed
6.27.2009
i miss the hot muggy summer days when we would go skating in eastern massachusetts. driving around, with no money. and you would steal us sodas, but you called then "pop" like an old man. and when you would get caught we would giggle and drive away as fast as possible. who steals cans of soda anyways.
homehomehome
i cannot wait to get home in a week and two days.
can
not
wait.
massachusetts has never been so appealing.
people i have time for include matt nora bri james john carm bryan dan feet jeffy and my family.
oh and hopefully crazy kait. because i hear she needs to be re-crazied.
can
not
wait.
massachusetts has never been so appealing.
people i have time for include matt nora bri james john carm bryan dan feet jeffy and my family.
oh and hopefully crazy kait. because i hear she needs to be re-crazied.
also
also, today carlos ate lindsays homework.
i didnt and still dont feel bad though. because hes a puppy and will eat things. also because before we left i told her to move anything in reach of the dog she didnt want eaten since we would be gone literally all day. also she should keep her fucking door shut since her room is so goddamn messy its practically spilling into my own and is just asking for a dog to come eat her shit.
i only feel bad when carlos eats other peoples things. because they dont deserve it. luckily he dislikes my own things though. or maybe im just better at keeping them out of his reach.
i didnt and still dont feel bad though. because hes a puppy and will eat things. also because before we left i told her to move anything in reach of the dog she didnt want eaten since we would be gone literally all day. also she should keep her fucking door shut since her room is so goddamn messy its practically spilling into my own and is just asking for a dog to come eat her shit.
i only feel bad when carlos eats other peoples things. because they dont deserve it. luckily he dislikes my own things though. or maybe im just better at keeping them out of his reach.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
pride
yesterday went to delores. the contents of my stomach included: amazing coffee, an entire 40oz of malt liquor, vegan ganja cookies, mcdonalds, tootsie rolls, an entire pack of cigarettes.
it was the trans march.
me max and sarah had tickets to go see a design movie at the yerba buena gardens. we're clearly retarded because we couldnt find the door to get in. so instead we came back.
today is pride. going to the city with alex, clare, peter, and lindsay.
with devins playlist since hes not here! boo.
it was the trans march.
me max and sarah had tickets to go see a design movie at the yerba buena gardens. we're clearly retarded because we couldnt find the door to get in. so instead we came back.
today is pride. going to the city with alex, clare, peter, and lindsay.
with devins playlist since hes not here! boo.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
funnies.
got "loise".
ate dinner.
kinda drunk.
bonded with alex.
got the dirt on cca upperclass-mem.
playing truth or dare.
clare did a "body roll"
cole doing a sexy dance..."you must take off your shirt"
"how do you dance sexy...i cant do sexy"..."just dance sexy...and you have to take off your shirt. you have to do it"
funniest shit of my life.
ate dinner.
kinda drunk.
bonded with alex.
got the dirt on cca upperclass-mem.
playing truth or dare.
clare did a "body roll"
cole doing a sexy dance..."you must take off your shirt"
"how do you dance sexy...i cant do sexy"..."just dance sexy...and you have to take off your shirt. you have to do it"
funniest shit of my life.
emails.
got an email from some random lady today.
knows my pops/aunt.
talked to my dad for the first time in months <3
knows my pops/aunt.
talked to my dad for the first time in months <3
Sunday, June 21, 2009
fuckOFF
i have the urge to punch you in the face repeatedly right now...do not "bye court!" me.
fuck you.
fuck you.
break
"hey lindsay do you still have my phone charger?"
"yeah. in my purse"
...i look through her purse
"uh. i dont see it in your purse. its not in here"
"oh"
"where would it be then?"
"i dont know"
"well your the one that had it, where did you put it?"
"i dont know"
"...well where else would it be besides your purse"
"its your charger. you find it" *goes back to playing video games*
my phones dead. and i cant find the charger.
doggy park drama of the day:
1. womans dog escaped. not to be seen again.
2. dog wants to establish dominance so must wear muzzle.
3. little girl got knocked over by dog (her fualt, she put the leash on her dog after her mom told her not to)
4. old woman gets bitten by puppy. bleeding hand
5. same old womans dog is brutally attacked by other dog. bleeding as well.
6. mysterious ground shaking, people swear its not earthquakes. i'm not convinced.
on the bright side though i met a really nice music teacher named heather. on the not so bright side, her elderly dog was attacked by 3 pitt-bulls a few months ago, almost died, and is now scared of all dogs.
"yeah. in my purse"
...i look through her purse
"uh. i dont see it in your purse. its not in here"
"oh"
"where would it be then?"
"i dont know"
"well your the one that had it, where did you put it?"
"i dont know"
"...well where else would it be besides your purse"
"its your charger. you find it" *goes back to playing video games*
my phones dead. and i cant find the charger.
doggy park drama of the day:
1. womans dog escaped. not to be seen again.
2. dog wants to establish dominance so must wear muzzle.
3. little girl got knocked over by dog (her fualt, she put the leash on her dog after her mom told her not to)
4. old woman gets bitten by puppy. bleeding hand
5. same old womans dog is brutally attacked by other dog. bleeding as well.
6. mysterious ground shaking, people swear its not earthquakes. i'm not convinced.
on the bright side though i met a really nice music teacher named heather. on the not so bright side, her elderly dog was attacked by 3 pitt-bulls a few months ago, almost died, and is now scared of all dogs.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
not.
could be home in before dark.
but i wont be.
fuck this. i want my bed. my dog. my room.
why not waste and extra 12 or 15 hours of my life?
uhodfhgofhgourhgosdhfuhf!!
but i wont be.
fuck this. i want my bed. my dog. my room.
why not waste and extra 12 or 15 hours of my life?
uhodfhgofhgourhgosdhfuhf!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Boulder.
Got to Boulder on Saturday.
Pretty good time so far.
Lots of thunderstorms and a really great dog named Harley.
Friends are cool. especially sam.
smoke alot of weed.
get really high. alot.
currently sitting at house alone.
in a room that smells like cat pee.
heading towards utah on thursday. then its out to yosemite.
and then oakland.
see ya soon.
Pretty good time so far.
Lots of thunderstorms and a really great dog named Harley.
Friends are cool. especially sam.
smoke alot of weed.
get really high. alot.
currently sitting at house alone.
in a room that smells like cat pee.
heading towards utah on thursday. then its out to yosemite.
and then oakland.
see ya soon.
Friday, June 12, 2009
gahh.
walked all the way to school with carlos to meet up with max who was going to keep me company while i waited around for howard between 12 and 230 because thats when he said he would meet me. told me to call him at 2 if i hadnt heard from him. so i did. he was busy so he said hed just call later and come by the apartment to pick shit up.
so basically i just walked for 40 minutes to school and then sat there for 2 and a half hours waiting for absolutely nothing. when i could have been home getting some sleep or packing and cleaning.
whatever though hanging out with max was fun so it wasnt really a waste. but i also could have done that at my house and then i would have had everything done by now.
been hanging out with max alot lately.
hes coming over after hes done cleaning to chill some more before i leave tomorrow.
fucking weird. if you asked me a month ago if anyone would actually see that fool this summer i would have put money down that he would be elusive and off with his photo lab crew. i'm not complaining though, max is basically my brother and i love him. even if he is a dog. haha.
I've been talking to bri for the last 3 hours and it makes me realize how much i miss home. how much i need home. but really how much home needs me. she basically told me that everyones counting on me as the last hope for matt. she's has tried to talk to him but he doesnt care what she has to say. she doesnt even consider calling him to hang out anymore. he completely cut off nora. he doesnt care that nicole has a new boyfriend and never returns her calls. and he has changed feet so much that feet isnt even feet anymore. lilly and the old crew are back around which worries me. they are no good. fuckers ruined an entire year of his life and subsequently got me into shit i never want to get into again. i know they are still doing it. those kind of junkies never change. and if matts only hanging around with them that means hes doing it too. i'm going to need to go home and smack some sense into that kid...possibly needing to literally smack him. I dont even understand how he could go back to that after he saw what it did to me, to him, and to our families and real friends.
bri said he's depressed with me gone, that hes "lost without me". he refuses to listen to any cd in his car that belongs to me, wont listen to any of "our" songs no matter what the situation because he says it hurts him too much. and he goes into bitch matt mode whenever i'm brought up. he doesnt go to the dingle anymore. and rarely visits the tressel. he wont talk to her about anything besides weed, his music, and lillys posse.
i dont know what the fuck to do. matt means more to me than most of my family and i want nothing but the best for him but i cant just drop my life because he cant function without me there. if i ever moved back to springfield i would work at a gas station for the rest of my life and would never have the opportunity to better myself in any way. i worked too hard to get away from there to ever go back.
i spent every single day with the kid between 4th grade until the minute i walked into the airport. we've always just been considered one person, not two. its not matt or courtney, its matt&fatty. we've each been through alot of rough shit but we always got through it because the other one was right there. if i needed a punching bag to get out my anger, he would brace himself and let me hit him as hard as i could. he dealt with all my bullshit and the fact that i wouldn't remember punching him 20 seconds earlier for accidentally dropping something of mine or spilling something on my shoes.
whenever he got so drunk that he passed out i would be the one carrying him to the car and getting him home and when he needed his stomach pumped i sobered up faster than i thought humanly possible and got him to the hospital and stayed there until he could leave. everytime he picked a fight he couldnt win he knew i was there to back him up. i was always standing right next to him re-assuring him that he could do it, whatever it was. even if it meant that i had to do it with him, like paying to go to driving school a month before i turned 18 and could have just taken the test. or like the last time he was hanging out with that crowd. the only way i got him out of it was by becoming part of it and getting in just as deep as he was. and then coming out together.
so i guess i can understand why hes having a hard time. but if i can do it so can he. he didnt leave every one and every thing he knows behind and start a completely new life. he still has so many people who care so much about him and he just doesnt care. part of me wants to go back there right now and take him far far away from those people. and the other half of me is telling me hes not my responsibility. hes almost 19. he needs to start taking care of himself and to stop relying on me to come rushing in whenever he waves his surrender flags because hes gotten himself in too deep. I cant continue coming in and picking up the pieces of his life and then putting them back together nice and neatly like i do with my puzzles.
My trips home are supposed to be vacations. its supposed to be fun. im supposed to go home and everything be dandy and all my friends get along and be healthy and happy and fun. it shouldn't be a fucking rescue mission. why cant everyone just get along? bri and nora are fighting over who gets to pick me up at the airport.
whatever. this just got really long without me meaning for it to. i'll deal with it in july when i get there.
so basically i just walked for 40 minutes to school and then sat there for 2 and a half hours waiting for absolutely nothing. when i could have been home getting some sleep or packing and cleaning.
whatever though hanging out with max was fun so it wasnt really a waste. but i also could have done that at my house and then i would have had everything done by now.
been hanging out with max alot lately.
hes coming over after hes done cleaning to chill some more before i leave tomorrow.
fucking weird. if you asked me a month ago if anyone would actually see that fool this summer i would have put money down that he would be elusive and off with his photo lab crew. i'm not complaining though, max is basically my brother and i love him. even if he is a dog. haha.
I've been talking to bri for the last 3 hours and it makes me realize how much i miss home. how much i need home. but really how much home needs me. she basically told me that everyones counting on me as the last hope for matt. she's has tried to talk to him but he doesnt care what she has to say. she doesnt even consider calling him to hang out anymore. he completely cut off nora. he doesnt care that nicole has a new boyfriend and never returns her calls. and he has changed feet so much that feet isnt even feet anymore. lilly and the old crew are back around which worries me. they are no good. fuckers ruined an entire year of his life and subsequently got me into shit i never want to get into again. i know they are still doing it. those kind of junkies never change. and if matts only hanging around with them that means hes doing it too. i'm going to need to go home and smack some sense into that kid...possibly needing to literally smack him. I dont even understand how he could go back to that after he saw what it did to me, to him, and to our families and real friends.
bri said he's depressed with me gone, that hes "lost without me". he refuses to listen to any cd in his car that belongs to me, wont listen to any of "our" songs no matter what the situation because he says it hurts him too much. and he goes into bitch matt mode whenever i'm brought up. he doesnt go to the dingle anymore. and rarely visits the tressel. he wont talk to her about anything besides weed, his music, and lillys posse.
i dont know what the fuck to do. matt means more to me than most of my family and i want nothing but the best for him but i cant just drop my life because he cant function without me there. if i ever moved back to springfield i would work at a gas station for the rest of my life and would never have the opportunity to better myself in any way. i worked too hard to get away from there to ever go back.
i spent every single day with the kid between 4th grade until the minute i walked into the airport. we've always just been considered one person, not two. its not matt or courtney, its matt&fatty. we've each been through alot of rough shit but we always got through it because the other one was right there. if i needed a punching bag to get out my anger, he would brace himself and let me hit him as hard as i could. he dealt with all my bullshit and the fact that i wouldn't remember punching him 20 seconds earlier for accidentally dropping something of mine or spilling something on my shoes.
whenever he got so drunk that he passed out i would be the one carrying him to the car and getting him home and when he needed his stomach pumped i sobered up faster than i thought humanly possible and got him to the hospital and stayed there until he could leave. everytime he picked a fight he couldnt win he knew i was there to back him up. i was always standing right next to him re-assuring him that he could do it, whatever it was. even if it meant that i had to do it with him, like paying to go to driving school a month before i turned 18 and could have just taken the test. or like the last time he was hanging out with that crowd. the only way i got him out of it was by becoming part of it and getting in just as deep as he was. and then coming out together.
so i guess i can understand why hes having a hard time. but if i can do it so can he. he didnt leave every one and every thing he knows behind and start a completely new life. he still has so many people who care so much about him and he just doesnt care. part of me wants to go back there right now and take him far far away from those people. and the other half of me is telling me hes not my responsibility. hes almost 19. he needs to start taking care of himself and to stop relying on me to come rushing in whenever he waves his surrender flags because hes gotten himself in too deep. I cant continue coming in and picking up the pieces of his life and then putting them back together nice and neatly like i do with my puzzles.
My trips home are supposed to be vacations. its supposed to be fun. im supposed to go home and everything be dandy and all my friends get along and be healthy and happy and fun. it shouldn't be a fucking rescue mission. why cant everyone just get along? bri and nora are fighting over who gets to pick me up at the airport.
whatever. this just got really long without me meaning for it to. i'll deal with it in july when i get there.
packing
Agenda for today:
Shower
Pack
Go to school
Print shit
Maybe work on some videos?
Get everything in order
Clean
SLEEP
Boulder in the AM! holler.
Shower
Pack
Go to school
Print shit
Maybe work on some videos?
Get everything in order
Clean
SLEEP
Boulder in the AM! holler.
remember
whilst making a playlist for the long drive from boulder to oakland i remembered the time that devin came into clare & my room with his flash drive and put a folder on each of our desktops titled "songs i think clare will like" and "songs i think courtney will like"
that was sweet.
i like making playlists for people too.
that was sweet.
i like making playlists for people too.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Maura!
Maura just drunk called me.
"my guinea pig died last week"
"oh my god maura im so sorry"
"no its ok. he had a really good life"
"thats good then. did you bury him"
"well hes actually in the freezer right now"
i miss her. and i know everyone else in the house does too. she was the first person I met at CCA besides Clare. and from the first time we hung out we decided we were going to live together because we were both so far from home and needed a home in california. we decided to make it together. and we did. we made ourselves the best home..filled with people who we all love and get along with great. and in Dallin's note he left us this morning he said how glad he is to be living with us and thats its the best situation he could imagine. its true.
no one ever calls me anymore and when they do its for insignificant things like finding them a job, or because they locked themselves out. or its someone i dont really want to talk to and i sigh before answering the phone.
when i saw it was her name i got so excited and practically squealed in excitement.
Maura is the most sincere, caring, innocent person I know.
I hope she stays that way forever <3
"my guinea pig died last week"
"oh my god maura im so sorry"
"no its ok. he had a really good life"
"thats good then. did you bury him"
"well hes actually in the freezer right now"
i miss her. and i know everyone else in the house does too. she was the first person I met at CCA besides Clare. and from the first time we hung out we decided we were going to live together because we were both so far from home and needed a home in california. we decided to make it together. and we did. we made ourselves the best home..filled with people who we all love and get along with great. and in Dallin's note he left us this morning he said how glad he is to be living with us and thats its the best situation he could imagine. its true.
no one ever calls me anymore and when they do its for insignificant things like finding them a job, or because they locked themselves out. or its someone i dont really want to talk to and i sigh before answering the phone.
when i saw it was her name i got so excited and practically squealed in excitement.
Maura is the most sincere, caring, innocent person I know.
I hope she stays that way forever <3
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
stress.
Last night clare and I rode to henrys. it was interesting.
then clare shaved her head. and it was great.
Today we woke up early and headed into the city, dog in tow. I'm really glad we got him the harness because hes so much easier to walk and actually sort of listens too. We got to delores and it was fine.
It was fine until other dogs showed up. Then carlos went bat-shit insane and wouldnt stop barking.
I normally wouldnt care except for that everyones dogs are so well behaved, and well, its kind of embarassing wrestling with a 7 month old puppy, yelling "carlos stop!" "carlos chill!" "carlos its ok".
Clare went and bought us snacks and i drank a delicious root beer that was fair-trade certified. I used to sell that stuff.
After briefly munching on some salt & pepper chips we were too stressed out to sit and fight with the dog for any longer so decided to walk through the neighborhood and eventually head to the Revolution Cafe.
On our way we walked past the street. My favorite street! Because last time we went to delores we happened upon this street that was just so out of place and semi-majestic that it became my favorite street. I didn't think it would be as great this time, I figured they would have finished construction and all would be back to normal. But it wasn't. I was delighted and pulled out my camera for a few quick shots.
Then we went to the cafe and grabbed a coffee to go, and continued walking through the back streets. We walked past 667shotwell and oogled at the man who was not there, but the memory is fresh and so i can still oogle at said man in my memory! wow. im a creep. (but its ok because you are too ari!)
Then we headed back to bart. on the way that dood rode by. and then texted me. but didnt stop to say hello.
oh well.
got on bart. lots of teens wearing green shirts.
carlos was so worn out that he literally passed out in my arms.
Pictures will come soon.
I'm going to go try to buy cigarettes.
Oh and okkervil river is on continuous replay for the time being.
i dont know why i never really got into them before.
then clare shaved her head. and it was great.
Today we woke up early and headed into the city, dog in tow. I'm really glad we got him the harness because hes so much easier to walk and actually sort of listens too. We got to delores and it was fine.
It was fine until other dogs showed up. Then carlos went bat-shit insane and wouldnt stop barking.
I normally wouldnt care except for that everyones dogs are so well behaved, and well, its kind of embarassing wrestling with a 7 month old puppy, yelling "carlos stop!" "carlos chill!" "carlos its ok".
Clare went and bought us snacks and i drank a delicious root beer that was fair-trade certified. I used to sell that stuff.
After briefly munching on some salt & pepper chips we were too stressed out to sit and fight with the dog for any longer so decided to walk through the neighborhood and eventually head to the Revolution Cafe.
On our way we walked past the street. My favorite street! Because last time we went to delores we happened upon this street that was just so out of place and semi-majestic that it became my favorite street. I didn't think it would be as great this time, I figured they would have finished construction and all would be back to normal. But it wasn't. I was delighted and pulled out my camera for a few quick shots.
Then we went to the cafe and grabbed a coffee to go, and continued walking through the back streets. We walked past 667shotwell and oogled at the man who was not there, but the memory is fresh and so i can still oogle at said man in my memory! wow. im a creep. (but its ok because you are too ari!)
Then we headed back to bart. on the way that dood rode by. and then texted me. but didnt stop to say hello.
oh well.
got on bart. lots of teens wearing green shirts.
carlos was so worn out that he literally passed out in my arms.
Pictures will come soon.
I'm going to go try to buy cigarettes.
Oh and okkervil river is on continuous replay for the time being.
i dont know why i never really got into them before.
Monday, June 8, 2009
dog days.
possible names for summer:
dog days summer 09
Summer of Carlos 09
my favorite:
Rodneys on Duty 09
its sad that the highlight of my day is getting a harness for the dog.
dog parks of the bay beware!
dog days summer 09
Summer of Carlos 09
my favorite:
Rodneys on Duty 09
its sad that the highlight of my day is getting a harness for the dog.
dog parks of the bay beware!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
unload.
And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
a strange last few days. strange strange. but really great nonetheless.
I;m going to eat some easy mac.
goddamn drejmon with the weed cookies.
i'm listening to nas.
bitchessss.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
shit. currently.
tonight i realized that the Murmur is actually much more enjoyable and fun in the summer.
even if the art still sucks.
and so do the people.
"get some gears you queers" . that was funny.
today was an exceptionally active day.
i've realized i can no longer eat as much as i used to be able to.
or should be able to.
gave a tour of the campus.
to a cute boy.
who is a librarian.
who i then hung out with.
and hope to more in the future.
even if he is shorter than me.
his name is cute too.
carlos is still suffering from separation anxiety.
but soon he will learn. i hope.
even if the art still sucks.
and so do the people.
"get some gears you queers" . that was funny.
today was an exceptionally active day.
i've realized i can no longer eat as much as i used to be able to.
or should be able to.
gave a tour of the campus.
to a cute boy.
who is a librarian.
who i then hung out with.
and hope to more in the future.
even if he is shorter than me.
his name is cute too.
carlos is still suffering from separation anxiety.
but soon he will learn. i hope.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
sponts.
Last night was absolutely crazy.
girl puking on everything.
riding across oakland at 3 am.
staying up all night,
kitchen, stool, chair, pot holders, computer, cigarettes.
random videos.
thunder.
intense convos.
it was good,
passed out in my bed at around 4 pm with max. wake up at nine,
going back to sleep soon.
girl puking on everything.
riding across oakland at 3 am.
staying up all night,
kitchen, stool, chair, pot holders, computer, cigarettes.
random videos.
thunder.
intense convos.
it was good,
passed out in my bed at around 4 pm with max. wake up at nine,
going back to sleep soon.
the big black books
"i hate everyone at CCA and their big black books filled with amazing art" - random girl at my house who i do not know but knows me.
"hi i'm (forget her name)"
"hi, im courtney. nice to meet you"
"yeah...i've seen you around"
"..."
"yeah around campus at cca"
"...oh...yeah...uh" ... expression that shows i have no idea who she is.
word.
"hi i'm (forget her name)"
"hi, im courtney. nice to meet you"
"yeah...i've seen you around"
"..."
"yeah around campus at cca"
"...oh...yeah...uh" ... expression that shows i have no idea who she is.
word.
Monday, June 1, 2009
the wee hours
its almost 11 o'clock and i feel like being productive tonight.
i think i'll stay up and draw.
i've been drawing alot.
strange.
i think i'll stay up and draw.
i've been drawing alot.
strange.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
